When your parents begin to age…
When I was young, I thought my parents would be with me forever, sure they seemed old, but I was so young ~ what did I know. When I was young, I didn't want to talk to my parents let alone listen to them, they were from another era, an old era. ~ what did I know. Then as I grew into adulthood and I heard phrases like "Your roles will be reversed” or "The child becomes the adult," I didn't really pay much attention to those phrases ~ what did I know. As life would have it, my parents weren't going to be with me forever. I needed to start talking to them, listening as well as reading between the lines and watching them. Those phrases I didn't pay attention to, they now had my undivided attention, time to remove my blinders.
It didn't happen quickly, and it was so easy for me to make excuses, "Their just forgetful, getting older, it's not dementia or Alzheimer's". Mom had severe arthritis in her right leg which cause her to wobble sometimes, and we used to kid her "Webble's wobble but they don't fall down" until she began to fall, then it wasn’t funny anymore. That's when I realized dad had been covering for her. I didn't want to face the fact that maybe they weren't going to be with me forever. I don't think you can truly be prepared for the aging of our parents, at least not mentally and hindsight can be a double-edged sword. Even though I know I did my best I can't help but wonder, what if and could I have done more. It's not like we were completely unprepared, maybe we could have been better prepared or not ~ that’s hindsight for ya’.
When my parents were in their sixties, we set up a trust, living will, power of attorney, added me to their bank account and made funeral arrangements. Having these conversations was very difficult but getting our ducks in a row while my parents were still mentally with me and mobile was a blessing in the long run.
We also discussed my parents moving into an independent/assisted living facility. Another tough conversation but not as tough as actually moving them. When we visited the facility, they eventually moved into, the facility provided not only a counselor for my folks but for me as well. Some things they shared with me.
Talk to them, it's their life so keep informed and involved.
Discuss moving and selling their home. You may be the one handling the process, but it helps to keep them abreast of your actions on their behalf.
Ask them to think about what they want to take with them, what are their favorite items, what they use daily. Look around at the items you know they won't be taking with them so you can plan for that part of the process. Think about what you may want to keep or share with others because you can't keep everything. Believe me, I tried 😊
Make sure the items you are taking will fit into their new home.
Don't pack, move, or throw away anything until it's time for the actual move, then ask for their help in packing so they feel a part of the process, not like it's something being pushed upon them.
After they have moved then take the next step to remove remaining items. I suggest you do this with a family member or a friend and allow time to reminisce and share your memories with your friend. I had a friend spend the weekend with me, but it took me weeks to go through all my family treasures.
Once they moved into the facility, I got them involved in the activities and believe me there were lots of well-organized activities.
My parents settled into a new routine, but I was still operating on their previous routine. It took me a bit, but I learned to join into the new routine instead of trying to keep the old one alive. This made their lives much easier, especially with mom and her dementia (routine is good). This did not mean we could not leave the facility because we did, we still went grocery shopping and out to dinner when my parents wanted to. But these trips became fewer and fewer as my parents got involved in the activities and made new friends.
While they were making new friends, I was becoming acquainted with the nurses. They were a wealth of information on things I never would have thought about and may have blamed on them. Point in case, if mom or dad (more so mom) wet themselves and they didn't say anything. So, if mom didn’t say anything, didn’t realize or remember she wet herself, how is the nurse supposed to know. I thought how is that possible and with mom I learnt quickly how that was possible. I could tell mom had wet herself yet when I asked her, she said no, she was fine ~ a sad reality I had to face.
Which leads me to say, "Don't blame the nurses." After my dad died and mom was alone, I blamed the nurses for various things. I thought there is no way mom could have done that or would do that, but I was wrong. It turns out I had underestimated my mom's abilities and therefore I apologized to the nurses for my lack of knowledge, it was a very humbling and eye-opening experience.
My parents were in the assisted living section of the facility, and they provided many services, and I took them up on all of them. The important one for me was that the nurses would administer my parents' medication. After a conversation with the nurses, I learned that mom's pain medication was what added to her imbalance and dementia. Yes, I said dementia and that was a hard one for me to come to terms with, but I did ~ no more excuses!
Another denial that became a reality was that my parents needed adult underwear/adult diapers, 'Depends' whatever you want to call them it doesn't make the process any easier. A nurse gave me some valuable information regarding how to handle this transition. For mom select something with colors and go gray for dad. If you went straight to white, they felt it was more like a diaper (which it was) but the color seemed to make it easier to accept. Also remove all the other underwear and place these in the drawer where their underwear used to be, plus store extras in the bathroom. This is something I NEVER thought or imagined I could or would be doing.
You don’t have to be there 24/7 or do it all yourself. Most independent, assisted living facilities or Hospice may be able to provide you with information on additional nursing care. There are nursing care companies out there and sometimes they are already working in the facility as was the case for me and my parents. As I did my research, I discovered that the additional nursing services were nowhere near as expensive as I thought they would be and the peace of mind they gave me was priceless.
Hospice provides many services and guidance, don't wait too long before contacting them.
DNR - Do Not Resuscitate. In talking with the head nurse, she suggested that I go ahead and fill out the DNR paperwork for my parents so it would be one less thing to think about in the future and my parents already had their living will on file.
Keep all important paperwork handy, I never left the house without them. This would include Power of Attorney, Living Will, your parent(s) social security number, Do Not Resuscitate or anything you may have had to provide previously.
Ah, those phrases I should have paid attention to ~"Your roles will be reversed" or "The child becomes the adult" don't ignore them because they could be coming your way one day 😊
Peace & Love